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April 29, 2009
11:41 am
"as usual"
Hi. I don't know if anyone even still uses Diaryland, but for whatever reason I've kept the bookmark all this time, I suppose to make it easier to come back every two years when my life is fucked. But guess what! My life is fucked! I am graduating in just a few weeks, which I guess is all right, but it's the question mark afterward that has me feeling anxious. After however means years of pretty much getting every job I applied to, all of a sudden I can't even get the stupidest ones. And this includes stuff I applied to before the Financial Crisis hit. Some thing paid and even some UNPAID things I didn't even make the cut for. The final straw was that I applied to work for the alumnae reunion, which is basically mindless event-working (which I have tons of experience in), office work (which I have tons of experience in), and so on. You only got paid $80 but you got free housing for a week, which I needed, because I stupidly assumed that I could get hired for this stupid job and my sublease doesn't start until June 1. And I have to be out of my dorm on May 21. So basically I have 10 days where I'm, as of now, homeless, and have to figure out what to do with all of my things/myself. UGH. I have to be cursed or something. This is so dumb. What else, what else. Oh, I'm not graduating with honors I just found out. I think my mom will be disappointed, which sucks because I basically do everything for her. I remember I went to my step-sister's graduation, my mom pointed at someone's name in the program who had the honors notation, and she said, "That's going to be you!" But it's not. Also, two of my friends are graduating with Phi Beta Keppa, and one of them is a history major, so I can't even lie and say that it's only the math majors who can get those because they can get A+s. So I basically feel like a big old failure. Throughout high school, I got so used to being one of the best that I don't know how to deal with failure. That sounds really conceited but I don't care at this point. And I'm not really excelling in any sector of my life at this point. One of the Phi Beta Kappas also just got engaged. And HA I don't think I could possibly be farther away from that point in my life. Also I started a "diet" a couple of weeks ago, but I have gone over my allotted calorie budgets a few days and not exercising, so I'm convinced that I will have gained all my weight back. Umm.... so yeah. I at least have a job through August that pays okay (at least enough to survive in the city), although now I'm sure I'll hear from them that they've actually decided that don't need me, or that they actually can only use/pay me for one day a week. But hopefully they will not. I also am living in a nice, fancy apartment for the summer with nice roommates. Those are my pluses. This summer I will just have to find something awesome to do with my life. That only takes a summer to discover, right?
the past and the future
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